1) Da UP she’s an aging whore, her best days consigned ta days of yore.
2) Da Britch went up in fifty nine, deepened da old girls gradual decline.
3) No more copper, no more iron, no more miners, closed up mines, only a few pulpies hanging ’round Engadine.
4) Got no jopps nor industry, people wed ta social security.
5) Winters we call clear and still means snowbanks above da window sills.
6) Global warming, 90-degree days, youse’d t’ink we could grow more den spuds n hay.
7) T’ings dey changin for da worse, wimmens wearin’ pants, mens carrying purse.
8) Way back when we ate like kings: string cheese, smelt, cudaghi, Trenary Toast, morels and walleyes prized da most. Pasties, brook trout fried in da pan, venison served on da table all year round, some of it legal, much of it poached by our old man.
9) Dis UP ain’t what she ustabee, chalk dat up ta CNN and MTV.
10) Ustabee youse could smoke in town, but hey! dose damn trolls downstate dey vote dat down.
11) When I was kid on saturday night, we go to bar watch polkas and fights.
12) Now Yuppies stop in Seney in dere Volvo, ask they can order designer martinis, makes we want to barfo.
13) Got dose condos down Marquette harbor, Brevort, Hancock, Epoufette, we all shake our heads, ask what da heck!
14) Girls up here got beaucoup smarts (not ta mention udder real nice parts). Eighteen comes and high school’s done, dey leave da Yoop on a dead-out run.
15) Outlaws down da Garden grow dere mean-green grass, so much THC in dat stuff knock youse on your arse.
16) Wolfies eatin’ all da deer since da bloody DNR brung ’em here.
17) Tribes dey got casinos all over da place, take all yer cash wit smiles on dere face.
18) We love dose Red Wings, dat’s a fact, but dose sadsack Lions can never be our Pack.
19) Businesses closin,’ schools shut too, what’re we Yoopers ‘pose ta do?
20) Close da straits, block da locks in Saults, charge t’ousand bucks a day ta come up here ta play — and dat includes youse.
All in fun. Sort of. Over.